What is this I see before me? A blog post? How remarkable! As someone who’s subscribed to a musician’s blog, I really hope it contains no musical content whatsoever and is actually about the life stories of a series of homemade puppets! I’ll just have to wait and see.

Hang on, what’s that in the title? Does that say ‘Mongolian Death Worm’? I have never heard of such a thing! I really hope the next section of this blog is a short summary explaining what on earth it means, which I could theoretically skip as it is identical to the one in the previous blog post. Oh, I wonder if my dreams will come true today? I wonder…
 

I’m glad you asked (but please don’t call me Deuce). Several months ago my personal cheesecake supplier James Ure and I decided we wanted to write a musical. Ever democratic, we came up with 11 possible titles and surveyed a select group of friends and acquaintances to determine their favourite. The winner (beating such competition as ‘The Tale of the Dog Food Taster’ and ‘Lacksaducksical’) was ‘Mongolian Death Worm: A Puppet Show Musical’, with the tagline ‘You’ve got worms – and this time they’re deadly!’. And that’s what got me where I am today.

Loosely inspired by real events – O.K., very loosely – this musical tells the story of Professor Roy Chapman Andrews, who is dispatched one day to the depths of Mongolia by his university, which buys all its catering supplies from there and is suffering the effects of a series of meat thefts in the area. On arriving, Andrews discovers a village terrorised by a mysterious giant worm that has been stealing sausages, disrupting the local economy and occasionally eating people. He teams up with the Gobi Desert’s number one yodelling sheriff, and together they must devise a series of increasingly implausible schemes in order to catch the worm and bring him (her? it?) to justice.

Did I mention the word ‘loosely’?
 

And now, without wasting one more second of your time except by this unnecessarily long sentence, I would like to present some top secret behind-the-scenes images depicting the various characters in the show, accompanied by their eccentric creator and puppetmaster. See if you can work out which is which.
 
Professor Roy Chapman Andrews

 
Favourite meat: Bovril

Some might think that Roy is based on Indiana Jones, but we say Indiana Jones is based on him! Seriously, look it up. Our gruff rugged hero is intolerant of most things, but his greatest weakness is a particular crystalline substance that he simply can’t escape from.

Sheriff

 
Favourite meat: Tofu

Despite being Mongolia’s only law enforcement officer, Sheriff seems to know very little about solving crimes – or about anything, for that matter. He may have bottle caps and socks for a brain, but there’s something oddly soothing about staring deep into those mismatched googly eyes…

Witch Doctor

 
Favourite meat: Unethical veal

Part witch, part doctor, part butcher (but mostly witch), this character is mysterious and enigmatic, and has plenty of secrets. Mainly because noone can understand a word she says.

Professor Robert (‘Bob’) Bodkin

 
Favourite meat: Tripe lasagne

Renowned for his groundbreaking studies in unspecific natural history, Professor Bodkin is now best known for his habit of sending his subordinates off on absurd overly-complicated errands in order to satisfy his own selfish whims. Loves to be told things, and to tell things in return.

Larry Chops

 
Favourite meat: Anything but lamb chops

A complex character, Larry’s fragile emotional state is poorly represented in his fearsome demeanour. Larry has it hard enough as a small business owner trying to make a living in a competitive industry and challenging economic climate, with a wife and three finger puppets to feed. He really doesn’t need a giant worm stealing all his sausages.

Priest

 
Favourite meat: Lamb of God

With a name like ‘Priest’, this character’s career was mapped out for him from an early age. One of the pillars of Mongolian society, Priest practises his own unique blend of religions, based mainly around Christianity, tall hats and outrageous scat singing.

Olgoi Corduroy

 
Favourite meat: Chicken nuggets

A famed travel vlogger, Corduroy has a habit of turning up uninvited at inconvenient moments. Universally despised, most people just wish he would go away.

Lips

 
Favourite meat: Ostrich

Now known simply as ‘Lips’, this character’s original name has been lost to the mists of time. That incredible pucker may seem like a fashionable use of makeup, but in actual fact she suffers from persistent cold sores. She blames this ailment (like most of her problems) on the Mongolian Death Worm, and has written several strongly-worded letters to the local council demanding its removal, which remain unanswered. A tragic figure in some ways. GSOH.

Bill Der

 
Favourite meat: Pork pie

With his muscular rice-filled arms and his strong Mongolian accent (which makes him sound remarkably like he’s from East London), this is one tradesman not to be messed with. He is probably the most interesting resident of Mongolia, having had over 200 incredible adventures in his lifetime. Consequently he is a little frustrated at having been sidelined in this musical, and hopes that one day his fascinating life story will finally be recognised and told through its own spin-off series.

The Worm

 
Favourite meat: Human

The name on his birth certificate may be ‘Olgoi Khorkhoi’, but everyone refers to him as the Mongolian Death Worm – mainly because it’s easier to spell and is more descriptive. Little is known about this mysterious creature, other than that he’s very big, he has huge teeth, he can electrocute people, he can spit venom, he likes the rain, he doesn’t come from Tibet or play the clarinet, and his favourite colour is yellow. Mysterious indeed.